Post 490!

Tonight was sooooo much better than the night before! I got to work with Linda, my most favoritest and the one I worked with last night which is my least. Linda and I spent two hour arranging and organizing the womens bathing suits. Holy sheep shit was that an ordeal but they look excellent now. It will probably be the last time they get done seeing as how it's time for the fall stuff to start trickling in. How do I feel about THAT? *shiver* It's way too soon.

Nate was back at work, he's my bud, and I missed him. He's got a sense of humor that totally mirrors mine and I find myself wishing he was my brother but then, he'd not be as much fun to talk to would he? I got out of work 50 minutes early as compared to last nights 20 minutes late and headed home. I'm listening to fireworks going off and I'm content. I work 1-6 tomorrow so no closing choas for me and then my new set of classes start Monday. THANK GOD. I really enjoy the routine of them if not the overwhelming work load LOL.

I think I've lost another pound or two but I'm trying very hard to stay off the scale. I'm feeling rather gung ho about it again because it's good for me, I need to lose weight, period, for my health. Wow, I'm like 180 degrees from where I was last night and I like it. So I think I'm going to curl up in my big red comfy chair and I don't know, listen to some music and knit. No, maybe I should just go to bed and try to get some good sleep.... Oh hell, whatever it is I'm going off to do something for me. Peace.

Oh, and I missed my own blogiversary! Baldsheep has been going for two years as of June 14th. How funny is that? I have made such good friends through this blog and I love you all! Thanks for sticking with my ups and downs, it's appreciated more than you will EVER know!

Can someone put me out?

Like put me out of my misery? The day started out wonderful, I got on the scale and lost 4.2 pounds this week and then went and had a good counseling session. Grocery shopping and gassing up the van were next. Then I sat on my ass all afternoon then cooked portabella mushrooms and ate them and salad and brown rice. I was in such a happy place, it even kept going when I got to work but I was working with the one who does a whole lot of nothing and it was busy and there is some big honcho suposedly showing up tomorrow and it went down hill VERY quickly. I got out 20 minutes late and I'm in such a pissed off mood right now and I don't know what to do about it at almost midnight. No one is online to talk to, I can't call anyone and I want to cry but I can't. I'm feeling so down and low I can't stand it. I don't know how to shake this feeling off or how to get through it. I just want to be me again but the me I'm seeing/feeling isn't all that great and I'm not sure I can change her. At least not as fast as I feel I need. So here I vent on my blog once again because I don't have anyone to turn to. I really hate my life and I feel so stuck. It's time to write another poem I think. Later.

Check out my toe!!!!

I have a thing for skull and cross bones if you haven't noticed. I mean, yeah, pirates and all are evil and mean and stuff but what I like to think about is buried treasure. There is so much around us all the time be it physically, mentally or emotionally. I love discovering buried treasure that is inside of me. So, hence, the love affair with the Jolly Roger.
And I give you the sockapalooza sock #1. I hope it fits her and that she likes it. I'm a bit worried about the heel. but if it doesn't and she doesn't she can frog them and figure out something else to do with this rather expensive merino wool yarn LOL.
The pooling at the heel is really kind of neat in my opinion and I really like the way it turned out. At first I didn't like the picot edging on it but then I thought that it looked kind of neat and added a festive touch to the festive colors. So anyway, there's the sock!

Woot Woot!

I GOT A B- in Biology!!!! YES!!!

Photos of kids.

Little miss in a pretty hat.
Mr. I'm almost 12 going on to 18
Mr. 8 ball
Mr. 9.5 being a cheese.
I love my kids!!!!

Poem by me, for me, and I'm sharing

Just so you know, I don't feel like this today. I just read it again and I think I'm rather proud of it now and I want to share. Not sure why, but I do.

Failure ~ by me, today, June 25 2007

Pain, anger, hurt, all swirling around
Slipping and sliding deep down inside
Swelling up, oozing out, starting to pound
Silently I sneak up to you, silently from behind.

A whisper as soft as a butterfly wing
A slight caress like a breeze blowing by
A slice of pain, flash of red, the sting
An illusion, no more hurtful lies, it dies.

Mixed emotions dragging me down
How stupid am I, a total clown

Failure as a human, failure at life
Failure as a daughter, failure as a wife
Failure so total, failure so swift
Failure at life, failure's deaths kiss.

From day one this life has totally sucked
I was born from a weekend with no luck
Paying for someone elses kharma?
Paying for wanting to harm ya?

Why am I always feeling so bad?
Why do I have to fester and bleed?
Why must I feel the need to live mad?
Why am I denied what I need?

Failure as a human, failure at life
Failure as a daughter, failure as a wife
Failure so total, failure so swift
Failure at life, failure's deaths kiss.

hey check out my new hat!!!

We went to a Tiger's game tonight and I got a new hat! Not too shabby for my makeup being 16 hours old and sweating like a something gross in the heat today.
And check this out, it even has a clover on the back! I just LOOOOOOVVVVEEEE being irish!
They lost but we had a wonderful time! It was a lot of fun just people watching and I got the toe done on the sockapalooza sock #2! Yes, you see that? No 2 is on the needles, yes indeedy. I'm going to keep you guessing on what the first one looks like for now because I need to entice you back later. It's kind of goofy but I like it, I hope my pal does too. Night peeps!

This song/lyrics says it all right now.

It has profanity in it, just a heads up.

"Diluted" by Slipknot

I'm cold, I'm ugly
I'm always confused by everything
I can stare into a thousand eyes
But every smile hides a bold-faced lie

It itches, it seethes, it festers and breathes
My heros are dead, they died in my head
Thin out the herd, squeeze out the pain
Something inside me has opened up again

Thoughts of me exemplified
All the little flaws I have denied
Forget today, forget whatever happened
Everyday I see a little more of overall deficiencies
I'm nothing short of being one complete catastrophe

What the hell - did I - do to deserve - all of this?

I save all the bullets from ignorant minds
Your insults get stuck in my teeth as they grind
Way past good taste, on our way to bad omens
I decrease, while my symptoms increase

God what the fuck is wrong
You act like you knew it all along
Your timing sucks, your silence is a blessing

All I ever wanted out of you was
Something you could never be
Now take a real good look at
What you've fucking done to me

What the hell - did I - do to deserve - all of this?

Gimme any reason why I'd need you, boy
Gimme any reason not to fuck you up
Gimme any reason why I'd need you, bitch
Gimme any reason not to fuck you up

I see you in me I keep my scars from prying eyes
Incapable of ever knowing why
Somebody breathe, I've got to have an answer

Why am I so fascinated by
Bigger pictures, better things
But I don't care what you think
You'll never understand me

What the hell - did I - do to deserve - all of this?

Fuck!

As if anyone would actually question....

the fact that I have strange kids. (Yes I'm aware that the nuts don't fall far from the tree.) I had to share what I have been looking at to my left for the last 30 minutes. A boy who is sitting in a pantry closet eating an apple.
Who just announced he wants to sleep in there. Miranda is sliding pieces of paper in the closet and thinks it's great fun when Max shoves them back out. I love my kids sometimes! LOL

Holy Sheep Sh*t!

If you like men and you want to be scared, go check out todays Playgirl Daily Fix. Ummm, damn! uhhh, wow. I'm going to go now. I'm a bit flustered.

Post 480 survey

Greatest Myspace Survey
About You...
Age	37
Birthplace	Detroit
Current Location	Brighton
Hair Color	purplish red
Eye Color	greenish blue
Height	5\'5\"
Heritage	Irish, English, Danish, Swedish, French, Native American
Your fears	spiders
Your weakness	emotional boundaries
Goal for today	get through work
Goal for this year	get my GPA up
Lifetime goal	be true to myself
When do you want to get married?	again? Never
and to whom?	no one
Ever been in love?	yes
Currently in love?	no
Do you think you are attractive?	yes
Your best physical feature	smile or eyes
Have you ever...
eaten Sushi...	ewww no
gone skinny dipping...	yes
been beaten up...	kind of
wanted to kill someone...	totally
gone a week without MySpace...	yes
gone a week without TV...	yes
Who's the last person to...
kiss you...	my kids
say hi to you...	coworker
talk to you...	Karl
What's the last...
Time you cried?	today
Book you've read?	Biology
Store you've been in?	Meijers
Can you...
Dance?	nope
Speak a differenty language?	LOL, a few words in three
Cook?	if I have to
Write w/ both hands?	if I have to
Whistle?	sort of
Finish the line...
If I had a...	banana I\'d blow up a shoe
I would	like to bowl with a giraffe
So I can	learn to eat bamboo with a lobster.
Take this survey More MySpace Surveys Survey By OnlyMySpace.com

Saturday

Today my mood matches the weather, overcast and chilly. I'm am so tired of feeling like there's a shadow hanging over me. I just can't seem to shake this and it's driving me nuts. I want to do a little yarn therapy today but I have got to buckle down and work on studying for my last biology test Tuesday.

I guess the kids are being taken back to the lake today so I have the afternoon to myself before work. I'm seriously thinking I and my biology book are going to go to Beaner's and get a most tastey Mocha. I have to work at 6 and Beaner's is right there so that might work out in a most excellent way. Yeah, I think I'm going to do that. Anyone else wanna come, I'll be there around 3-3:30. So enough of a while (edit: whiNe. geesh I can't even spell today.) for today. See ya.

Oh, Suz? I'm probably going to make house hats out of that yarn I won. If there is any black left over it's probably going to become that voodoo doll and Meg, I will be careful of kharma coming back around to slap me. I'm sick of being slapped (emotionally) at this point.

Chillin' with big eyes.

I went to the eye doctor today and now I look like that damn cat from Shrek, all big eyed and cute... well, not cute on me, I look like a friggin' alien or something.

I called the Gyn and low and behold my original doctor is back in their office on Fridays and she had an opening in two weeks!!!! I don't care what you all think about it, this doctor saw me through the first four pregnancies (had a miscarriage at 8 weeks between the first two boys) and delivered #1, #3 and #4. #2 was delivered by one of her nicer partners so all was good. I am so glad I can go and talk to a doctor that I love and feel safe and comfortable doing so. Paps are never fun though, no matter HOW much you like your doctor LOL.

Work tonight, Sat and Sun from 6-11. Then two days of school and I'm done for 5 days! yeeeeee haaaawwww.

It just hit me, how pathetic is it that I'm excited to have 5 days off from school? Pretty darn so eh? Then it's 7.5 weeks and then 2 weeks off. Good god, the though of the fall semester flips me out, don't need to think about that right now. STOP. THINKING. NOW.

Got my package from Alison over at the blue blog today, THANK YOU ALISON! Even with the yarn in my hot little hand I can't believe I won something! No I can not! Me! Still amazed.

Ok, off to touch my face up and find something to wear to work. Peace!

Next

This is NEXT and it will be used.

Here are some

This is to help bide time until I can post others. This is the almost completed sockapalooza sock #1. And a kitty picture of fat Albert that was on the camera and I didn't know it.

Reaccuring Theme

I'm feeling down all of a sudden. Again. I got my Socks that Rock today and it's gorgeous! The color way is called Firebird and the pattern is called The Solstice Slide.... how perfect that it came on today of all days eh? I'll post photos in a few days, I don't want to ruin it for anyone else who may not have gotten theirs yet.

One more test on Tuesday and I'm done for a few days. Maybe that's why I'm a bit down, or perhaps I need to start my Prozac again, or well, maybe I just need to cry or something. I managed to get another poem out of myself again today and it was nice... The poem isn't nice, but the creation of it was. I'm sorry that I've let this blog go downhill so much lately but I've not been in the mood to 'work' on it. I want the conversations and I need you friends very much but I'm just kind of licking my wounds right now. I wish they'd heal faster but until I get out of this place I probably won't heal.

So, that said, by this time next week I'll have photos to post and then I'll give you an overdose of eye candy! Peace.

Home Alone

Home, alone, right now, until 5:15 or so. Loading Slipknot songs on my MP3 and then I'm going to go mutate some DNA out in the sun. Later gators!
WOOOO hoooooooey!

Hi kids, it me kat....

I'm still alive. I'm still very busy. I'm still depressed and I started another sock. I'm almost done with the first sockapalooza sock and will start that one as soon as possible but I needed a sock that was at a point that I could ride in the car for two hours and work on it with no pattern. So I started another one.

Lab report due tomorrow, papers for my teaching unit due Thursday, class and lab on Monday, bio test on Tuesday and I should be done for a week.... not sure though. I'm a bit confused on what is going on next week as far as the end of these classes are concerned. But anyway, summer classes start on the 2nd of July.

So sad. I can hardly function and this lab report isn't going to create itself. Off I go. Peace.

If you like dark beer.....

Then I highly recommend this beer. It's chocolately-coffee bittersweet tasting, almost like chocolate covered espresso beans, and I like it. Me, who does not like beer at all have taken to a dark beer rather nicely. Not that I could drink a lot of it because the bitterness does bug me after awhile. See on the R down below there? That kind of gives you an idea of how dark it is.

Anyway, that's what I'm drinking to celebrate the yarn win. Peace.

Yeah I won!!!

Over at the blue blog I won some Encore yarn to make something Hufflepuff! Me! I have won, in 37 years, exactly 3 things now. This just makes me all giddy and warm! Thank you Alison! I can't wait to knit it up!

Post #470

"Our lives improve only when we take chances -

and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves."
-- Walter Anderson

I wrote a poem

but I'm not sure I should share it. More feelings came out while I was writing it and it contains swear words and such. And I want to share photos... hell, I'm going to share photos, give me few minutes.....

There. This is a TSP for Jess. This will be the one and only view you get of it for awhile. Her birthday was the 6th and with sockapalooza 4 and school it's not going to be done in June so it just might be a holiday gift to her. Below is the sockpalooza sock that has four rounds done on the instep/gusset thing. I'm working on something for the heel since it will be worn with shoes that the heels will show. Then I think I will finish it up with some 2x2 ribbing so they don't slide down. I also got a few rows done on my grapevine poncho. Now that is something I'd like to get done before Fall so I can wear it.
I hope these photos will bring you back again since I've been VERY lax on showing my knitting and very into bitching about my pathetic life. My shadow will eventually move on and the sun will shine once again, at least I know that is a life truth. Peace.

butt beans and stars

Butt beans (garbanzo beans) and wine! Make me feel fine.... butt beans and wine, ooooh so fine!

I went to Holly's sons grad party and boy did I have a great time! I meet some wonderful new peeps, including the grad himself!

I came home and here I sit with a bowl full of a chicka peas (garbanzo beans, or as they are called in this house, butt beans) and a big glass of wine. heee heee heee I'm eating butts. My eyes are blood shot from being so damn tired, my oldest is over in Chicago and I seriously miss him, the post to this title is to express how damn happy I am I get to sleep in and I get real bacon and coffee in the morning! LOL hey, look how well I do run on sentences when I've over indulged!

I have do have to work tomorrow from 1-6 but then we're going over to Meg and Russ' and I'm going to do it all over again. Boy Monday is shaping up to be a rather rough day isn't it? LOL

OHH! Holy sheep shit! Sometime my horoscope freaks me the fuck out! Check this out! This was waiting in my inbox when I got home:

You have absolutely nothing to worry about right now -- so what's with the furrowed brow? Set all of your concerns aside today, because this cloud of good fortune you're floating on isn't about to disappear anytime soon! Just kick back, relax and know that your current plans will bring positive results. It's almost as if your life is on autopilot right now, so you can enjoy a few more social nights in the near future. This is a great time for parties.

Tell me that isn't a bit freaky! Okay, the butt beans are eaten and the wine half drunk so I'm off to post the same damn thing over at my other blog. Love ya'll

I just wanna have sleep!

I love sleeping in, even if it's an hour later than I normaly get up. Two kids at school today, half day, then it's lunch with Jess (and all 4 kids, should be fun), home to try and do some homework, work from 6-11, get up at 4:30, leave at 5:30 am to drive my oldest across the state to hook up with his friend from Chicago for a week, then drive back to be at work from 1-6, then the graduation party, sleep....ahhh, sleep, glorious sleep! I do have to work 1-6 on Sunday but hey, I get to SLEEP IN ON SUNDAY!!!

Then it's working out the summer babysitting schedule, because me? I have school, all summer long. At least my sleep schedule won't get TOOO fucked up this summer like normal. Yes, I need sleep, it's the theme today isn't it? It'll be worth it but it does kind of suck while I'm doing it. I hope I get a few chances to have some fun. Wow, big babble, sorry folks, just wanted to say I'm not going to be around much this weekend. Peace.

Everyone who's a pain in my butt knows now!

Karl got home before I did and told his parents about my tattoo. My mother in law asked what it was and seemed kind of interested, my father in law said "she's almost 40 (?!?I am?!?), you think she'd know better". He repeated it to me when I came in, I can live with that, besides, isn't it cheaper than a corvette? (I'd take one of those too if anyone is offering.)

So now that that is over I'm loving it! It also looks a lot better today though it's more swollen then yesterday. Doesn't burn anymore either. I like it, a lot, and I'm already thinking of what I want next and where. Addicting for sure. The next one will be knitting related, that's all I know at this point.

Did anyone else feel different after they got one? I feel like I've joined a new club or something, and like I'm exposing the real me instead of hiding myself. Not an unpleasant feeling in anyway LOL, just different. Ok, off to drink some beer and chill for the night. Meg, I'm drinking that Edmund Fitzgerald beer and I actually like it! God my tastes are changing.

And my dear sock pal person who is knitting me socks, LOL, I live in Michigan, it get's really cold here in the Winter so I have to cover it up even if I don't want to. But ankle socks are just as welcome too! LOL

Peace!

inked

Here it is! My celtic tree of life. I've waited for 5 years for this design and 20 years for a tattoo. The brown is blood, the tattoo is black, no color. It stings and burns but it's liveable.
Have you ever used an Epilady? One of those things with the curling wire coil that pulled your hair out? That's what it felt like. Not pleasant but liveable. So I'm off to finish my homework and such and gloat about accomplishing a long term goal finally. Peace peeps!

edit: Tree of Life I have a black decal in my vans window and the silver necklace matches my earrings and basically I'm in love with this site. Just if you were curious.

inking

tonight at 6 pm.... me? Nervous and excited.

ROFLMAO

You Are the Middle Finger

A bit fragile and dependent on your friends, you're not nearly as hostile as you seem. You are balanced, easy to get along with, and quite serious. However, you can get angry and fed up with those around you. And you aren't afraid to show it! You get along well with: The Index Finger Stay away from: The Pinky

What Finger Are You?

I'm not sure why the pinky is so "stay away from", it doesn't seem all that bad to me. ROFL But I truly like being the middle finger better! *evil grin*

You Are a Pinky

You are fiercely independent, and possibly downright weird. A great communicator, you can get along with almost anyone. You are kind and sympathetic. You support all your friends - and love them for who they are. You get along well with: The Ring Finger Stay away from: The Thumb

What Finger Are You?

Random Thoughts

While sitting here waiting for my nails to dry I've been searching for turquoise jewlery. Did you ever realize how damn expensive it it is? *sigh* I know the native american doesn't show up in me other than my hair possibly, but there is a tiny bit there and I like wearing natural stone jewlery.... or could that be the geologist freak in me? I know both . Oh who am I kidding? It's the geologist all the way LOL.

So tomorrow's the "big day" for me. My 20 years of chicken shitting is going to end in a big 'ole whollop of pain. I kind of wish I had someone to drive me so I could get drunk before but I guess I'm going to have to pull up my big girl panties and deal with it. Yeah for celtic tree of life symbols. Now I'll be on the hunt for something that sybolizes earth, air, fire, water, and spirit that isn't a blantant pentagram. I'm sure sometime in the next 20 years it will show itself to me.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with school. Have you ever felt stress just circulating through your body and no matter how much work you do or how much meditation it doesn't let up? Yeah, it's a sucky feeling isn't it? I guess my brain is just not going to settle down tonight. I hope everyone is having a good week so far. Later gators.

Woot Woot!

I got an 83 on my bio test, and after getting an 62 on the first one I'm thrilled to bits about it! I also found out that I'm a solid 85 in the class! That's a B folks! A B for Biology eh? Motivates me to study harder and I've already started. Now if I could find my way with my curriculum class I'd be styling!

Anyway, just wanted to brag a bit

Last night I went out with TSP Meg and had a most wonderful time! We ate at a very yummy Mexican restaurant called The Prickly Pear. They also have very yummy margaritas and I woke up with a hangover. I just don't understand that at all. I've never gotten hangovers before, ever. Ok, maybe a few headaches but certainly not from two margaritas. Not only did I have a headach but I had the upset stomach too. Meg, I had an excellent time and getting that grade today just made the night even better because it was followed up with good news. What a great 24 hours I've had!!! Love you girlfriend and I'm looking forward to the next time!

Not much better

I stayed in a pretty good mood all through work tonight but on the way home? I felt it creeping back up on my and then I sat here watching American Pie Band Camp and now I'm just crying. I was whining about not feeling my feelings and now that I am? I don't want to because it just hurts too much.

I am also going to try and focus on school more than anything else right now because it's my ticket out of this and to a point where I might meet people my own age. It's hard at work sometimes because the majority of the people that work there are so much younger than me and the majority of them have no idea what I'm going through or how to act about it. There are very few rare ones who listen and talk and I'm grateful for them because they help me more than I think they could ever know.

I get this email everyday for the last 3 years or so from Higher Awareness that always seems to send me something that pertains to my life so much that it's kind of freaky. This is what today's was:

"When flowing water ... meets with obstacles on its path, a blockage in its journey, it pauses. It increases in volume and strength, filling up in front of the obstacle and eventually spilling past it....

"Do not turn and run, for there is nowhere worthwhile for you to go. Do not attempt to push ahead into the danger ... emulate the example of the water: Pause and build up your strength until the obstacle no longer represents a blockage."

-- from the ‘I Ching,’presented in ‘To Build the Life You Want, Create the Work You Love: The Spiritual Dimension of Entrepreneuring’ by Marsha Sinetar

I'm trying to be like the water but it feels like there's a leak somewhere. It seems like I can't build up strength and what strength I have is leaking out. My mantra now is "you have to go through it to get past it".... why does 'going through it' always feel like someone is stepping on my chest? Like I'm about to spiral down to some pit of darkness and not be able to claw my way back out?

These are all feelings I'm quite familiar with because I grew up with them. It used to lead to self hate and I find myself hating myself again but this time? Why? There's no logical reason for me to hate myself so why am I following what I used to do when the circumstances are different this time? Damn, see how you all help me? That's a big thing to realize isn't it? I'm allowing myself to feel the feelings I USED to feel. Well, I didn't have a reason to hate myself back then but did and this time I don't have a reason so why allow myself to hate me? You all are right, I'm an attractive, smart woman who has a bright future full of possibilities.

Maybe I should put more thought into moving to the pacific northwest. I hate to mess with the kids lives too much but I also need to do what will be best for me and my dreams. I also hope that someday I can post a post that isn't such a whiney woe is me post.

I did put a 1/2 inch on my sockapalooza pals sock today. It was the only thing I was able to do with the mood I'm in despite the fact that I have tons of homework to do. Tomorrow, I'll just have to get through work and then it's off to Ann Arbor to eat mexican and drink margarita's with Meg! Now that's something to smile about!!!! Peace.

Reposting this from MySpace

I'm going to appologize now for this but since MySpace is set to private and you have to do you're own MySpace to see it I'm going to bring it here. And boy do I have it to bring here. I think I've entered the grieving process now and I have to say it TOTALLY sucks. Bad language, bad attitude, big bad rant and whine. I'm sorry pals, I just need friends so badly right now. If you don't want to read about this anymore leave now. ((hugs))

Boy did I have the worst night at work tonight. My whole life just came along and dumped on me at once. It was so busy, I was feeling so low in the confidence department, we had to move all kinds of stuff so they could wax the floors, and I broke down and started to cry. Hell, I'm crying right now.

My life is not what it was suposed to be, this kind of thing was never suposed to happen, and I have to live with the consequences of something I didn't do. Life is not fair but it seems I've had more than my share of shit. I really wonder what kind of kharma I'm paying for in a previous life because there is just no way that this could be all from this one.

I hurt so bad right now. I feel so damn lonely. I feel these things so strongly right now that I want to go cut myself to let the hurt out. I feel so damn ugly and undesirable and that I won't ever find a guy who would want me. I sound like a damn Sex in the City episode, but it's true, all the good guys my age are married and the other good guys are too young and wouldn't want a fat old lady like me.

Oh god I hurt so bad and I'm so angry. I want to go beat the shit out of him. Just take a bat and smash his head in and watch the life ooze right on out. Fuck you for fucking my god damn life up! Fuck you you cheating bastard. Just fuck you. I'm think will now try and distract myself by ripping my new Slipknot CD and putting some of the songs on my MP3 player. I'll be alright tomorrow morning, I just need to cleanse my soul (i.e. cry).