Sunday, June 03, 2007

Not much better

I stayed in a pretty good mood all through work tonight but on the way home? I felt it creeping back up on my and then I sat here watching American Pie Band Camp and now I'm just crying. I was whining about not feeling my feelings and now that I am? I don't want to because it just hurts too much.

I am also going to try and focus on school more than anything else right now because it's my ticket out of this and to a point where I might meet people my own age. It's hard at work sometimes because the majority of the people that work there are so much younger than me and the majority of them have no idea what I'm going through or how to act about it. There are very few rare ones who listen and talk and I'm grateful for them because they help me more than I think they could ever know.

I get this email everyday for the last 3 years or so from Higher Awareness that always seems to send me something that pertains to my life so much that it's kind of freaky. This is what today's was:

"When flowing water ... meets with obstacles on its path, a blockage in its journey, it pauses. It increases in volume and strength, filling up in front of the obstacle and eventually spilling past it....

"Do not turn and run, for there is nowhere worthwhile for you to go. Do not attempt to push ahead into the danger ... emulate the example of the water: Pause and build up your strength until the obstacle no longer represents a blockage."

-- from the ‘I Ching,’presented in ‘To Build the Life You Want, Create the Work You Love: The Spiritual Dimension of Entrepreneuring’ by Marsha Sinetar

I'm trying to be like the water but it feels like there's a leak somewhere. It seems like I can't build up strength and what strength I have is leaking out. My mantra now is "you have to go through it to get past it".... why does 'going through it' always feel like someone is stepping on my chest? Like I'm about to spiral down to some pit of darkness and not be able to claw my way back out?

These are all feelings I'm quite familiar with because I grew up with them. It used to lead to self hate and I find myself hating myself again but this time? Why? There's no logical reason for me to hate myself so why am I following what I used to do when the circumstances are different this time? Damn, see how you all help me? That's a big thing to realize isn't it? I'm allowing myself to feel the feelings I USED to feel. Well, I didn't have a reason to hate myself back then but did and this time I don't have a reason so why allow myself to hate me? You all are right, I'm an attractive, smart woman who has a bright future full of possibilities.

Maybe I should put more thought into moving to the pacific northwest. I hate to mess with the kids lives too much but I also need to do what will be best for me and my dreams. I also hope that someday I can post a post that isn't such a whiney woe is me post.

I did put a 1/2 inch on my sockapalooza pals sock today. It was the only thing I was able to do with the mood I'm in despite the fact that I have tons of homework to do. Tomorrow, I'll just have to get through work and then it's off to Ann Arbor to eat mexican and drink margarita's with Meg! Now that's something to smile about!!!! Peace.

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At 2:04 AM, Blogger Scattered Gemini said...

That is a great realization...feeling old feelings. You should not hate yourself in this matter at all, it's not of your doing. You did not create this "mess", you are the one who is suffering the consequences of it.

I think you're right, trying to focus your energy on school would be agreat, not push your grieving aside if you're not done with it. It might come back to bite you later and who needs that?!

{{{Hugs Girly!}}}}

At 11:13 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Hi girlfriend...I had an awesome time tonight, I'm so glad we got to go out. We needed that. Don't forget to look up what yarn you are doing your sockapalooza sock with and let me know, it's even prettier in person. I like the I Ching quote, and I do think it is very applicable now. You are strong, but let your strength build. Pause like the water does until the best path forward becomes clear. Love ya!


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