Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Where I am right now

I posted this on my MySpace and thought I'd share it with you all here. This is how I've been feeling lately and I appologize for the swear words but they are meant with the full force that they offer.

I so hate my life right now. So much in fact that I'm having a hard time controling my anger and I'm not sleeping well and stress is going to give me a fucking heart attack or stroke yet. What the hell am I doing going to school? I'm so way over my head I feel like I'm the stupidest person on earth. I have a biology test tomorrow and I totally failed the end of the chapter quizes and it seems no matter how much I try to study the stuff I keep failing. I can't seem to get caught up in my other class and it's almost time to turn in the unit. I am not taking well to being an average student when I was an honor student at WCC.

Ok, yes, my personal life totally sucks (thanks a whole bunch Karl) and everytime I have something big to do like this the "issue" flairs up again. waaaa boo hooooo I have to make lunches for the kids, I have to read a book to my daughter, why do I have to do the bills..... waaaaaaahhhhhhhh. Because if you don't want to pay alimony to me you'd better help me pass my fucking classes that why!

And lets not get on to the subject of me getting a tattoo that I'm "going to regret later". Hells bells, if I've thought about it for 20 years and decided on what I wanted and where to put it on my body about 5 years ago I think I've put enough thought into it. God damn it, the instability I've felt all my life is back full force and I can NOT STAND IT. It makes me so fucking angry that I have to deal with this issue again. I hate change, I hate feeling like a failure, I hate when I can't put myself first because someone else feels put upon. I hate my life. It sucks.

I'm going to get this tattoo, I'm going to do what I have to to pass these classes and my family is just going to have to suffer through it also. It's so bad trying to study here that I'm seriously thinking about moving out for the summer, but what good would that do for my kids? Nothing, and they are second on my list right after me. I love those critters and would never do anything intentional to hurt them. Grrr, life sucks big rotten eggs and I want to throw them at other people. It's late and I have to try and get some sleep but do I want to crawl into bed? No, because not doubt someone 'needs to talk', which I swear is just a way of trying to make me suffer like he is, which is not nice or fair. I don't need this shit right now. Anyone have a box I can move into?

Edit: Just wanted to say that things always look better in the morning generally and today? They look better. Sorry for the major whine but sometimes I just feel like I'm ready to shatter into a million peices. (hug)

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At 2:32 AM, Blogger alex said...

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At 9:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I kick my hubby out of the basement you can have that. It has a 1/2 bath, tv and internet connections.

I'm glad that things looked better in the morning. I know that things are tough right now, but I know you will persevere. You are a smart cookie. You will get through this, even with all the drama. Maybe you need to send him on a trip with the kids, so you can focus on school.

They should know that this is only temporary, all you need is a few weeks. They will survive. And, Don't you feel guilty, everyone knew what the deal was when you started school. Tell them if the want to send you on a guilt trip, then getting your degree will only take longer because you might have to reduce you class load. That should put a scare into them.

I don't want this to be longer than your post... so HUGE HUGS to you.


At 5:40 PM, Blogger Mary-Beth said...

You are one of the strongest women I know. I know you will persevere and get through everything you have to. If that means putting a few swear words in a post or 2, so be it!!

If I had a box or a basement, you'd be here! But that doesn't help.

Keep on keeping on hon, we're here for you.


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