First sickness of this school year

I knew it was going to happen sooner or later that's for sure but why couldn't it have been oh, say a head cold like the kids have gotten? Or the 24 hour flu? Noooo I get to go right into my usual strep throat. And yes, I'm going to whine about it because I. DON'T. FEEL. GOOD. LOL, a little drama to start my day off, sorry.

I'm missing school today to see if I can get into the doctor's and for some of you, that gives you an indication of how sick I am doesn't it? Especially since the two classes I'm going to miss are the ones I'm failing. :(

Just wanted to pop in and say that I've managed to not get much more done on the baby sweater for my brothers newest one and it's due in like two weeks. But school has got to come first right now and I have 5 days over Thanksgiving which would be just enough to get that tiny thing done.

Gotta go take a shower now. Peace lovies.

I was looking....

through some older photos and condensing my Kodak files and came across this photo. The last one taken before I donated my hair. I was so sick at the time and looked so rough, but since it shows my hair at it's longest it's worth showing. Boy oh boy, no wonder I couldn't stand to have it long anymore!

And this? This photo cracks me up because I've got these teeny tiny little pigtails in the back and I feel silly and cute all at the same time. Not sure why I want to share this with you except I've been debating about growing my hair out a bit for winter. I'm thinking not now.
So this is just a random weird post for you. No knitting has gone on and I've hardly had a chance to study either which I'm quite pissed about but damn it, you know, sometimes I actually have a frickin' life! Too bad it seems to like to happen when I don't have time for it. Peace!

just so you know....

I'm knitting. I'm working on my Katherine the Great poncho and when there's something spectacular to show I will show it. Things have not been good here and I'm under a tremendous amount of stress this week because it's the last week of biology and I'm not doing nearly as well as I'd like. So, soon, I'll be back to posting more soon. Peace.

Can someone put me out?

Like put me out of my misery? The day started out wonderful, I got on the scale and lost 4.2 pounds this week and then went and had a good counseling session. Grocery shopping and gassing up the van were next. Then I sat on my ass all afternoon then cooked portabella mushrooms and ate them and salad and brown rice. I was in such a happy place, it even kept going when I got to work but I was working with the one who does a whole lot of nothing and it was busy and there is some big honcho suposedly showing up tomorrow and it went down hill VERY quickly. I got out 20 minutes late and I'm in such a pissed off mood right now and I don't know what to do about it at almost midnight. No one is online to talk to, I can't call anyone and I want to cry but I can't. I'm feeling so down and low I can't stand it. I don't know how to shake this feeling off or how to get through it. I just want to be me again but the me I'm seeing/feeling isn't all that great and I'm not sure I can change her. At least not as fast as I feel I need. So here I vent on my blog once again because I don't have anyone to turn to. I really hate my life and I feel so stuck. It's time to write another poem I think. Later.

Saturday

Today my mood matches the weather, overcast and chilly. I'm am so tired of feeling like there's a shadow hanging over me. I just can't seem to shake this and it's driving me nuts. I want to do a little yarn therapy today but I have got to buckle down and work on studying for my last biology test Tuesday.

I guess the kids are being taken back to the lake today so I have the afternoon to myself before work. I'm seriously thinking I and my biology book are going to go to Beaner's and get a most tastey Mocha. I have to work at 6 and Beaner's is right there so that might work out in a most excellent way. Yeah, I think I'm going to do that. Anyone else wanna come, I'll be there around 3-3:30. So enough of a while (edit: whiNe. geesh I can't even spell today.) for today. See ya.

Oh, Suz? I'm probably going to make house hats out of that yarn I won. If there is any black left over it's probably going to become that voodoo doll and Meg, I will be careful of kharma coming back around to slap me. I'm sick of being slapped (emotionally) at this point.

Reaccuring Theme

I'm feeling down all of a sudden. Again. I got my Socks that Rock today and it's gorgeous! The color way is called Firebird and the pattern is called The Solstice Slide.... how perfect that it came on today of all days eh? I'll post photos in a few days, I don't want to ruin it for anyone else who may not have gotten theirs yet.

One more test on Tuesday and I'm done for a few days. Maybe that's why I'm a bit down, or perhaps I need to start my Prozac again, or well, maybe I just need to cry or something. I managed to get another poem out of myself again today and it was nice... The poem isn't nice, but the creation of it was. I'm sorry that I've let this blog go downhill so much lately but I've not been in the mood to 'work' on it. I want the conversations and I need you friends very much but I'm just kind of licking my wounds right now. I wish they'd heal faster but until I get out of this place I probably won't heal.

So, that said, by this time next week I'll have photos to post and then I'll give you an overdose of eye candy! Peace.

I just wanna have sleep!

I love sleeping in, even if it's an hour later than I normaly get up. Two kids at school today, half day, then it's lunch with Jess (and all 4 kids, should be fun), home to try and do some homework, work from 6-11, get up at 4:30, leave at 5:30 am to drive my oldest across the state to hook up with his friend from Chicago for a week, then drive back to be at work from 1-6, then the graduation party, sleep....ahhh, sleep, glorious sleep! I do have to work 1-6 on Sunday but hey, I get to SLEEP IN ON SUNDAY!!!

Then it's working out the summer babysitting schedule, because me? I have school, all summer long. At least my sleep schedule won't get TOOO fucked up this summer like normal. Yes, I need sleep, it's the theme today isn't it? It'll be worth it but it does kind of suck while I'm doing it. I hope I get a few chances to have some fun. Wow, big babble, sorry folks, just wanted to say I'm not going to be around much this weekend. Peace.

Not much better

I stayed in a pretty good mood all through work tonight but on the way home? I felt it creeping back up on my and then I sat here watching American Pie Band Camp and now I'm just crying. I was whining about not feeling my feelings and now that I am? I don't want to because it just hurts too much.

I am also going to try and focus on school more than anything else right now because it's my ticket out of this and to a point where I might meet people my own age. It's hard at work sometimes because the majority of the people that work there are so much younger than me and the majority of them have no idea what I'm going through or how to act about it. There are very few rare ones who listen and talk and I'm grateful for them because they help me more than I think they could ever know.

I get this email everyday for the last 3 years or so from Higher Awareness that always seems to send me something that pertains to my life so much that it's kind of freaky. This is what today's was:

"When flowing water ... meets with obstacles on its path, a blockage in its journey, it pauses. It increases in volume and strength, filling up in front of the obstacle and eventually spilling past it....

"Do not turn and run, for there is nowhere worthwhile for you to go. Do not attempt to push ahead into the danger ... emulate the example of the water: Pause and build up your strength until the obstacle no longer represents a blockage."

-- from the ‘I Ching,’presented in ‘To Build the Life You Want, Create the Work You Love: The Spiritual Dimension of Entrepreneuring’ by Marsha Sinetar

I'm trying to be like the water but it feels like there's a leak somewhere. It seems like I can't build up strength and what strength I have is leaking out. My mantra now is "you have to go through it to get past it".... why does 'going through it' always feel like someone is stepping on my chest? Like I'm about to spiral down to some pit of darkness and not be able to claw my way back out?

These are all feelings I'm quite familiar with because I grew up with them. It used to lead to self hate and I find myself hating myself again but this time? Why? There's no logical reason for me to hate myself so why am I following what I used to do when the circumstances are different this time? Damn, see how you all help me? That's a big thing to realize isn't it? I'm allowing myself to feel the feelings I USED to feel. Well, I didn't have a reason to hate myself back then but did and this time I don't have a reason so why allow myself to hate me? You all are right, I'm an attractive, smart woman who has a bright future full of possibilities.

Maybe I should put more thought into moving to the pacific northwest. I hate to mess with the kids lives too much but I also need to do what will be best for me and my dreams. I also hope that someday I can post a post that isn't such a whiney woe is me post.

I did put a 1/2 inch on my sockapalooza pals sock today. It was the only thing I was able to do with the mood I'm in despite the fact that I have tons of homework to do. Tomorrow, I'll just have to get through work and then it's off to Ann Arbor to eat mexican and drink margarita's with Meg! Now that's something to smile about!!!! Peace.

Where I am right now

I posted this on my MySpace and thought I'd share it with you all here. This is how I've been feeling lately and I appologize for the swear words but they are meant with the full force that they offer.

I so hate my life right now. So much in fact that I'm having a hard time controling my anger and I'm not sleeping well and stress is going to give me a fucking heart attack or stroke yet. What the hell am I doing going to school? I'm so way over my head I feel like I'm the stupidest person on earth. I have a biology test tomorrow and I totally failed the end of the chapter quizes and it seems no matter how much I try to study the stuff I keep failing. I can't seem to get caught up in my other class and it's almost time to turn in the unit. I am not taking well to being an average student when I was an honor student at WCC.

Ok, yes, my personal life totally sucks (thanks a whole bunch Karl) and everytime I have something big to do like this the "issue" flairs up again. waaaa boo hooooo I have to make lunches for the kids, I have to read a book to my daughter, why do I have to do the bills..... waaaaaaahhhhhhhh. Because if you don't want to pay alimony to me you'd better help me pass my fucking classes that why!

And lets not get on to the subject of me getting a tattoo that I'm "going to regret later". Hells bells, if I've thought about it for 20 years and decided on what I wanted and where to put it on my body about 5 years ago I think I've put enough thought into it. God damn it, the instability I've felt all my life is back full force and I can NOT STAND IT. It makes me so fucking angry that I have to deal with this issue again. I hate change, I hate feeling like a failure, I hate when I can't put myself first because someone else feels put upon. I hate my life. It sucks.

I'm going to get this tattoo, I'm going to do what I have to to pass these classes and my family is just going to have to suffer through it also. It's so bad trying to study here that I'm seriously thinking about moving out for the summer, but what good would that do for my kids? Nothing, and they are second on my list right after me. I love those critters and would never do anything intentional to hurt them. Grrr, life sucks big rotten eggs and I want to throw them at other people. It's late and I have to try and get some sleep but do I want to crawl into bed? No, because not doubt someone 'needs to talk', which I swear is just a way of trying to make me suffer like he is, which is not nice or fair. I don't need this shit right now. Anyone have a box I can move into?

Edit: Just wanted to say that things always look better in the morning generally and today? They look better. Sorry for the major whine but sometimes I just feel like I'm ready to shatter into a million peices. (hug)

Does this mean anything?

See this culprit? All I wanted was an egg roll and I couldn'y find any scissors so I grabbed this rarely used, sharp because of that lack of use knife and proceeded to do this to my middle finger....
Good thing my nail was there. I'm procrastinating again by soaking my finger in epsom salt water because it felt like it was getting infected. So, it's said that the smarter the person is the less common sense they have... I must be getting smarter because this was one of my more stupid ideas... LOL and I knew it too but I wanted that damn eggroll! It was tasty, even 30 minutes later whwn I finally got my finger to stop bleeding enough so I could eat the eggroll. Humm wonder what else I can find to share so I can procrastinate more. I do promise it won't be gross again LOL.

Bittersweet

and I ain't talkin' chocolate, though I could use about 5 pounds of it right now. Today I have experienced the extremes of my personality and it wasn't fun.


The day started off with me screaming at the kids a lot because they weren't picking up and putting away their stuff and we were running out of time. Then I FINALLY get a shower and grandparents show up while I'm trying to paint my face. They all make a comment, seperately, as they came in about how nice the house looked, and not to me, they didn't know I could hear them. That made all the hard work worth while so I felt relief.


Everyone comes, eats yummy sloppy joes in shifts and we do the cakes, which the birthday kids frosted all by themselves,

ice cream and gifts. (Blue Moon ice cream teeth LOL)

Right before I go to work early to get this photo printed up I decided to check my email. My most favorite teacher I have ever had, Mr. David Thomas from WCC, emailed me to tell me he's retiring September 1st. Ok, now I'm down right sad as hell. I consider him my mentor. He always made me feel inspired and capable. I am so truly blessed to have had him as a teacher, there is no doubt about it. It's because of him and his class that I decided to teach earth science. It was an experience in his class that made me realize that I don't want to teach elementary, but older kids. *sigh* now I'm totally bummed again.

Then I go to work and feel total embarrassment about the photo. Do not ask why, I just did. I went on break and there was no one in the break room and all of a sudden I started crying. Finally I cry, but why did it have to be at work? Why did it have to happen tonight when I've had other opportunities that were better? PMS of course and I'm glad that something is finally coming to the surface that I've not disassociated from but work is a rough place to break down.

I'm now going to go wash my face and get dressed for bed, then I'm going to come back out here and drink some more wine and listen to my MP3 player. Maybe I will be able to cry again beacause my soul needs to be cleansed more. Night Peeps.

quickly part 2

Look, photos! These are the fingerless gloves I made shown on a very handsome model.

The newest pink baby bolero, one arm/side seam to stitch and a cute little button and it will be done!
Ain't it pretty?
The other baby sweater started for the "unknown" baby. I love this blue, it reminds me of blueberries. I had a dress that had this blue in it when I was a kid and it's a good blue for a boy also. Just depends on what you put under it eh? I have until March 24th to get this one done! Wish me luck because......
I need to refrain from starting my socks that rock! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this color way! It's so perfect for socks and just oozes a feeling of outdoors to me. Come on spring!
Well, that's what I've been wanting to show you for a while now. I'm off to get the baby girl from school and take her to my mom's so I can go to Chem Lab. Did I mention I hate Tuesdays? I did? Well, I still do. Peace!

quickly

I got my STR package yesterday and the yarn is, well I can think of all kinds of adjectives, but I want to keep this quick. It's a "don't squeeze the Charmin" kind of yarn, you just just can't help it! LOL

I hate Tuesdays and I can't wait for this semester to be over! Later gators!

*sigh*

Mail: bill, bill, bill, no notification about my application to the College Of Education and no Socks that Rock. I did get a notice from the township that our house value went up $10,400. If we were going to sell it that'd be good news but since we're not it just means our house payment will go up yet again. *sigh*.

Trying to get some chemistry done today so I'm fighting to keep away from that baby bolero which is really close to being done. Too many things that need to be done all at the same time. LOL and I'd not have it any other way because I hate being bored!

I also am waiting for the doctors office to call me back. We're playing phone tag, grrrrr. I supose it's nothing life threatening or I'd have heard from them eh? And if it's nothing does that mean I'm even more psycho than I thought? Can a person really know how psycho they are? Or is that a perception thing? I mean, to some I may seem really psycho in their eyes and others may think I'm the most normal person around.

hummmm, I think I need to go back to my chemistry because I'm trying to distract myself with strange thoughts. Boy am I good at procrastinating! See ya later gators! Peace.